Getting ready for my 35th birthday. Every year I try and fail to improve myself. That is literally the worst reason to stop trying. Lets look at this: I'll be lucky to live to 70. Whatever the statistics are, if nothing happens to me and I live to be 70, that means I'll have survived long enough to see my son be the age I am now. So lets call this my second life. It's the second half of my life. There's the question of if you could go back and do it all over again, what would you do different. After I had kids, I decided that given the choice I just wouldn't go back. I'd never want to risk not meeting Ella. And now I have both Ella and Atticus and I feel that this is it, this is the pivot point my entire life rests upon. This is the point I'd go back to, given the choice, from my deathbed, to do it all again and do it right. So lets call it that. Lets say that's what this all is. This is the sleepwalk coffin. This is the asymtopic infinite death's crest reset.

I made it back. I love you so much Di, Ella, Atticus, Mom, everyone. I made it back to do better this time, to live up to what you deserve. Sorry to have kept you waiting. Sorry for what it was before.

I have to earn my own forgiveness. I have to start being someone I'm proud of and not always feeling like I'm going to get caught, be uncovered. My bills, my poor choices, my bad habits, my laziness and lack of discipline. I've been all talk my whole life. When does it start? When do we start the work? Thats a question I discussed with an old friend 4 years ago. I wonder if they're doing any better.

The countdown is on. Lets decide what we want. How we will get there.