Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Failure is good right?

Whoa what a terrible loss of momentum. Or we could look at it as what incredible momentum I have with my bad habits. Those guys are unstoppable! Now just to swap them out with good ones like Indiana Jones did at the start of that one movie. What does that make the giant boulder a metaphor for then? All the stacked past versions of myself?

Today I'm working on Ella's boxcar. Trying to make sure not to over-dad it. She was pretty adamant and clear about wanting to do it herself. I'm just trying to walk that line of easing her along towards finishing a project and learning the satisfaction of doing and making things. Instead of the micro-dopamine cigarette drag of endlessly starting things then starting other things then starting other things. The high of untested potential. Oh what a buzzkill when the testing begins and collapses all possibilities into an inexorable totem of who you truly are ie. self sitting upon a throne of collected junk "project" guitars and unread books. BUT ONWARD! We move on and don't rehabituate the catharsis of confession, the masked unconscious idea that by owning up to failure you are somehow absolved of failure. "The first step is admitting you have a problem."


So lets make some coffee, finish my part of the boxcar (which we discussed and agreed upon today) then look at finances and groom for work.

The clock is ticking goonie.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Day one

quittng the stupid game of reading on my phone while I drive. Trying to move slower. Ate a decent amount of food for breakfast. Should eat better food. For my birthday Ella gave me mine craft toys and Di gave me a Starlord mug. I love my presents! And I got to pick Chinese food for dinner and theybsurprised me with a cheese cake wth birthday candles. It was such a good moment. There was one specific moment when Ella was at her little table watching videos and eating cake where she looked over at me and coolly said "happy birthday birthday boy." I looked at Di and she got what I got. It was awesome. I didn't exercise or plan. Those are my goals tomorrow. Hey look, I just planned.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Getting ready for my 35th birthday. Every year I try and fail to improve myself. That is literally the worst reason to stop trying. Lets look at this: I'll be lucky to live to 70. Whatever the statistics are, if nothing happens to me and I live to be 70, that means I'll have survived long enough to see my son be the age I am now. So lets call this my second life. It's the second half of my life. There's the question of if you could go back and do it all over again, what would you do different. After I had kids, I decided that given the choice I just wouldn't go back. I'd never want to risk not meeting Ella. And now I have both Ella and Atticus and I feel that this is it, this is the pivot point my entire life rests upon. This is the point I'd go back to, given the choice, from my deathbed, to do it all again and do it right. So lets call it that. Lets say that's what this all is. This is the sleepwalk coffin. This is the asymtopic infinite death's crest reset.

I made it back. I love you so much Di, Ella, Atticus, Mom, everyone. I made it back to do better this time, to live up to what you deserve. Sorry to have kept you waiting. Sorry for what it was before.

I have to earn my own forgiveness. I have to start being someone I'm proud of and not always feeling like I'm going to get caught, be uncovered. My bills, my poor choices, my bad habits, my laziness and lack of discipline. I've been all talk my whole life. When does it start? When do we start the work? Thats a question I discussed with an old friend 4 years ago. I wonder if they're doing any better.

The countdown is on. Lets decide what we want. How we will get there.